shot dead

Love, pretty things, soulfood, your body

In the eighth grade, I wrote this boy a note.
It said, “I don’t like you Brandon. Leave me alone.”

That came back to me today as I loaded the washer. I imagine now, that little boy just learning to stand in this world. Just letting the taste of love land on the tip of his tongue. Like all of us young and old no fucking idea about how to handle ourselves or to measure reciprocity when it comes to matters of the heart. Sitting there at the lunch table, breathing dreams of my adulation into the well pressed seams of my notebook paper. And there in jelly roll pen, my cold hard rejection.

Merciless.

That’s just who I am.

I learned that men turn their head and scan your body when you cross the street at the age of nine. I learned how to shut down a cat call with one side glance by the time I was ten. I learned that if you let them, boys and men will be so confused by the delicacy of your physiology, the charm of pheromones that silently radiate beyond your awareness and the safety of your smile, that they will think that they love you. And you them.

I let that boy walk me home from school. I let him drink my kool-aid. Hell I even let him think that I was his friend.

But when I don’t. I don’t. If that hurts well I’m sorry. I’m not the home for your bleeding heart. And I’m not the girl of your dreams.

Unless I am.

When I’m real sure, you’ll want to hold on. Maybe I’ll write it to you in a note. Or maybe I’ll spill my soul onto your lips. Drip respect over your collar bone. Curl amazement into your pelvis. Steadily showing you what it looks like when I love you back. Trust, you’ll know.

June 13, 2014

Love, soulfood

Today I came across this note that I jotted down two years ago about my main squeeze.
I said daaaawwwwwwhhhhhhhh so hard.

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782.reasons why my new boyfriend is da’ bomb (yes I’m that cool)

-He say’s, “You know what you’re right”. “You’ve got a valid argument”. And, “That’s a good point”, more than any other man that I have ever met. 

-He laughs so hard that he falls to the floor on a regular basis.
 
-He writes the most beautiful words to me. 

-When he says something highly offensive in my presence he instinctually grabs for my hand because, “I knew I was getting slapped for that one”.

-Everything he cooks is delicious,which might be culinary mastery or maybe just excessive use of butter. 

-He throws Ev in the air 15 times in a row, chases her, and drops 20 doll hairs on race car video games. 

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A few weeks ago I told my best friend that the only reason that I’ve been able to grow spiritually and personally in the past two years is because of the security of my relationship. I sobbed, she soothed, “I believe it”.

But can you imagine, (yes I realize that you may very well be living this life) a world where you have no partner at all or if you do that they’re a total wild card. That there is a person out there with the audacity to call you significant other, hold your hand and in the same breath betray you, deceive you, attack you, steal your humanity. That was my existence for far too many years.

And then like a dandelion the most perfectly paired libation floated into my lap. His name was Julius. He saturated the gaping pours of my existence with patience, flexibility  and infectious laughter. He filled me up.

It’s no secret that once your basic needs are met you have the opportunity to create and explore. Please, my dear, do not just sit back and accept that your basic needs are flailing in the wind. You deserve the season of exploration.