God Fearing Wo-man


First let’s all take a moment to honor the existence of pinterest. It teaches me all of the things.

A couple of times now this has happened where one divergent pin leads to a blog and then a website and then endless articles about how good Christian women become and remain just that. I embark on it as an anthropological experiment more so than anything else. “Wow, this exists. People think like this. It really makes them happy or something.”

Yet, in the midst of my bewilderment I am always a little fascinated and slightly enticed. Like, well you have a good point. My life without eternal salvation and the comfort of putting it all in someone else’s hands does really suck. Man, you’ve got to be onto something.
Well minus the whole organized religion bit and you know the big man in the clouds. But to each their own.

Tonight I had to resist marching up my stairs and turning myself over to the sweet Mormon girls. Take me with you. Teach me how to knit and can things (for the record I’m an experienced canner and I didn’t learn it in sunday school). Show me your ways. Give me the book. Highlight all of the passages. I shall read them, memorize them and recite them every time that I want to murder someone. Especially because those someones are always the people that I love the most. Plus you’d probably insist that I ripped out my inter uterine device and start abstaining from sex. Word on the street is that’s how you really lock a man down. And the extra perk is I’d only have normal crazy girl hormones to navigate. (Quick aside: yay birth control!)

In all reality. I read what the nice Christian ladies write. Because they know the (some of the) ways. They’ve got the whole nuclear-family, super-hero, potluck going mom bit down to an art. How they do this you ask?

The snarky response:

-62 ways to show respect to your husband. (Just pretend like nothing bad ever happens and apologize profusely… preferably buy him gifts but what ever you do DO NOT ruin the budget.)

-5 passages from Leviticus that keeps you from putting the baby in the microwave.

-3 conversation starters to convince your husband to beg for forgiveness for premaritally taking your virginity and making you hate yourself for decades because of which.

-Why God and the Bible want you to be a super hott sex kitten for you Bible thumping man.

The sad part is that I’m just paraphrasing REAL life articles that I read this fine eavening. Don’t shoot the messenger people.

The less-snarky response:

-They do this really crazy thing called budgeting their money. It’s like you actually figure out how much money that you make. And then you figure out all of the things that you need to spend money on.  And then you do math and such. In the end of it you have money to save, buy houses with and at least 7% for tithe. HUM. Well I’ll be damned.

-They stay at home. Their good Christian men also read their Bible verses that said get your ass up off the sofa and bring home the bacon. Thus they donned their pearls and kitten heals and started vacuuming and making Jello molds. To be completely honest. I’m fucking jealous. Please make me your house wife. It’ll sparkle I promise.

-They know all of the couponing ways. And they freeze everything. I am only half the man that they will ever be.

-They didn’t “waste” 50,000 dollars on their college education that ultimately gets them a nice cushy job at Kohl’s check out lane 3 or you know anywhere else that only requires a GED.

-They had a lot of babies. And let’s face it they also fucked up the first one. Hell maybe even the first two. But after 3 you’ve got this in the bag. The babies just pop out of your vagina and the Duggard effect sets in. Shoot no, I’m not getting up to make you breakfast. Go find you sibling ‘buddy’ their big enough to see over the counter. Also, there’s some laundry to be folded. REALLY it’s just a little army of servants. Sure you’ve got to have a Jim Bob self-made millionaire to finance the whole bit but really you just need to put your feet up (you are on bed rest after all) and let the minions handle the rest.

Okay, now I’m going to try and say something nice. Try. I can’t make any promises:

-They actually invest time trying to be a good partner and have a fundamentally healthy relationship with their husbands.

-They think positive thoughts.

-They have a social support group.

-They have a higher calling. Something that they truly believe in and that something happens to always be watching. It’s like the perpetual threat of Santa Clause on small children during the month of December. THOU SHALL BE GOOD FOR I KNOW WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPING, I KNOW WHEN YOU’RE AWAKE! We don’t sing that song as creepily as possible in our house or anything. Never.

*formerly seen on love begets lovely