1- this prob isn’t going to last, tread lightly. bookend every criticism with 2 compliments.
2- yup, getting back together, at least for makeup sex, picking out the wedding dress right now.
3- that mother fucking asshole. probs going to burn his house down. unless he apologizes at some point in the next 72 hours, I don’t want to lose all of those hours of pinteresting our future baby’s nursery.
4- ahhhh good. he really sees his mistakes and has shown satisfactory remorse. yay I won’t die alone.
5- ohhh for fucks sake. dude literally can’t even fake being nice for 3 days.
(repeat steps 1-5, 3 to 7 times until you’re worn down to cinders of your former self. you’ll know it’s time for step 6 when you look at his pictures and expletives accidentally jut out)
6- you’re dead to me. outta lives. unplugged the gaming console and took a long walk to the woods to bury the last remaining drops of hope, empathy, and love that I had for you.
7- sit shiva for 5 days.
8- do you, but for real this time.