The Bumble Chronicles

silly goose

I have been single for exactly two weeks. Two days ago I decided to start Bumbling. What in the hell is bumble you ask? The (theoretically) less creepy version of Tinder. I’m unsure of the set up for same sex couples, but for the hetero-crowd the women call all of the shots. They pick who they like, the woman chooses to ­­­­message that person, she asks them out on a date. Conceptually it’s the better situation for a woman I think, but I’m feeling like I’m going to bail.

 

So men pop up on the screen and there are a few pictures of them and they say very little in their profile section. Just one thing, or even just a series of emojis. It’s clear that this whole online hookup thing feels like swimming in stagnant water. You might catch a leach, get dysentery but hey at least you made a concerted effort to get wet. Everyone is brief, just trying to preserve their anonymity, myself included.

 

There’s the full gamete. Doctors, lawyers, business executives. Men named SoliderofGod who have gold fronts and look like a skinnier version of Snoop Dogg. I didn’t make that one up. It’s not the most horrendous activity that I’ve ever been part of but it’s pretty close.

 

I had to Google which way to swipe. Had to ask friends for advice. Had to read a number of profiles aloud because they were better than stand up. My friend consuls, it’s the fucking worst. But what are you going to do? These days it’s pretty much the only way to meet guys. Maybe you should try Tinder, at least you could get fucked quickly.

 

For fucks sake (literally) this is what life has come to. Am I really that washed up? That undesirable? Is it entirely unfeasible to move out of state? Where in the world are all of the single men? I’m not even picky at this point. Just needs not be a serial killer, holds mediocre conversation and isn’t physically repulsive. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK? Apparently.

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