You think you’re better than me and I’m insecure.
I don’t say this as some left wing, liberal space-cadet. I say this as a girl born in a rural Kansas town of less than 3,000. As a girl who spent most of her Thanksgiving dinners seated across from a racist. As a woman who has had to cut ties with the vast majority of her immediate family because they embody hate. Simply. And yes I’m sure that many of them are reading this. Hi fam, eat a dick- still.
Last night my troll of a biological father crawled out of the social media woodwork to accost me on Facebook in a way that was entirely unprovoked and covert. It seems that despite all of the privacy measures in the world Zuckerburg can’t save you from those who are intent on exercising ill will. He commented about having sex with my mom on a post where nothing of the sort was solicited. This vague memory of why and how he contributed to my conception is something that he’s thought appropriate to make lewd remarks about since I was a child. So strange that, that’s trigging for me.
My knee jerk reaction was to tell him to take a flying fuck, because that’s what the 9, 12, 16, 21 year old me didn’t have the courage to say. But first I took a moment, weighed the pros and cons (including that any response is an open door for more disparaging remarks) and decided to go ahead with it. My response wasn’t kind. It didn’t represent my best self. Wasn’t even necessary if I’m being honest but it was important for me to be explicit in my own defense in that moment. It reinforced that boundary that I have firmly established and been called to defend over the years.
So, “Get the fuck off my wall Walt.” Spilled from my finger tips.
He responded with the following:
The first thing he brings up. I voted Trump, I did.
Because he knows that, that’s a personal dig at me. The most hateful thing that he could think of to throw back in my face:
Hey look at me perpetuating malice, misogyny, racism, and backwards social policy!!! Loud and proud! Happy to rub it in a liberal’s face. Let’s also remind her while we’re at it that she’s, “Not as smart as she thinks she is”.
Because let’s be honest that’s the problem isn’t it. That I threaten you. Somehow even though I go to great lengths to have absolutely no contact with you, to engage with you in no way you are still threatened. Threatened by an educated, articulate, empowered, informed, vocal woman who doesn’t take a back seat to anyone’s shit including when it comes from those she should be able to trust and rely on the most intimately. She’s willing to have those hard conversations. To call a spade a fucking spade, even when the spade’s other name is Dad or Brother.
You’re hatred is not safe with me. I’ve been calling this sort of person out in person for the vast majority of my life. Imagine a 10 year old toe headed wide-eyed Reagon on a crusade to defend her friendships with Black kids over breakfast. Imagine a pregnant 20 year old girl standing up to the finger in her face from a Bill O’Riley watching Republican dream fiercely defending that her history books at the big university weren’t lying, this country was in fact founded on exploitation. Imagine being the odd man out at every family function for twenty plus years and not being able to bite your tongue.
In the past three years I have made agonizing decision after decision to no longer have relationships with those people because they are toxic. I’m not an evangelist. I’m not going to convert these people, I’ve tried that. What do I do now, that they’ve showed up in droves to the polls and put a giant hex on our country? I’m working on that plan.
I’ll tell you what’s not going to help though, saying nothing. Taking it. Passivity. It doesn’t work with them. As much as I want to get on the unity bandwagon, think that maybe everyone is just one documentary away from a personal revolution towards love and kindness I know that I’m kidding myself. These people have a 8 year jump on buying up all of the bullets (literally and metaphorically). This may be war. Are you ready?
May I always be a thorn in the side. If nothing else I will proudly wear the label of- bitch that thinks she’s so great. Damn fucking straight and I’m bringing friends. I will not retreat quietly into the night. Snuggle up to your insecurity, I’m not going away.