*Three years ago I had my tarot cards read in a park the lady pulled a card with people jumping out of the castle windows and said that I should RUN. I took that as the nail in the coffin and moved three states away. Two years ago I had my cards read for a second time, they said that I needed to work on my self and that I was going to die happy but alone. These days I get my tarot cards read on a daily balance with an especially convenient app (yes there’s an app for that), I take every single one of them as gospel. They keep telling me to make big changes, to trust the process and that the timing is right.
Sometimes you just need confirmation even if it is all witchy pseudo-science. I love this old post because it reminds of where I’ve been and how beautifully that my life has evolved in the past two years. Let’s not stop here.
April 23, 2014:
I had my tarot cards read a year ago and the result was packing up my shit and my kid, quitting my super insane stressful job and moving across the country. Unfortunately, I did as I’ve done many times before and thought that part of that new beginning could include a man that I was going to drag to grace. I was wrong. And yet another phase of burning corpses jumping out of a burning castle consumed my soul. Here I am truged throught the shit storm of my life once again. Looking to the sky with hands out reached, trying to catch the drops of love and happiness that HAVE to start falling from the sky. Right? That’s how this whole life thing is supposed to go. Great things are in our future. Everything will get brighter. It’s right around the corner.
And by it you– we– mean him. Your knight in shinning armor. He’ll save you.
I’d really like to buy that dream. Fuck, I’d nearly sell my soul for that to be the case. For things to be easy. To have a partner. To not be so damn alone.
But that’s not my lot.
I’m at the tail end of a 7 day emotional breakdown. Some of those days were filled with violent sobs, others just a lot of introspect. It’s taken me all of those feelings to figure out the context, put my finger on it. Why am I so distraught?
IT’S BEING ALONE AND BEING CONTENT.
I’m really not good at that. I wish that I was able to step on my soap box and preach about how great that is is to do everything just for you, to be your own top priority, self-relianance and independence those are all great qualities, right? In reality they are just really God damn hard. I’m not supposed to say woe is me. I’m supposed to keep on trucking, telling you quippy antecdotes from my life, make a joke,do a dance. Anything other is just not me. I’m supposed to be your reason to smile. But, I’m having a really hard time finding my own.
I grew up the witness to two amazing women fight tooth and nail to make a life for them selves as single women with three babies. The eternal love and respect of a man evaded them. They deserved better. They did their best but there was nearly always a dark cloud hanging over their head. I never understood. Why can’t you just be happy? Have a good time? Throw caution to the wind? Where was your joy Mama? I fucking get it now. This life is really heavy for one person to go at it alone. And nearly back breaking with a shitty past nipping at your heals and babies growing up all around you. So you juggle. At the expense of your own light.
I feel like the universe has taken the dial to my spirit and turned it way down. Maybe I need a quieter period. But I’m really into being happy. You see, it hasn’t been that long ago. It ebs and flows. I get that it won’t always be high notes. But the bass line is wearing on me.
That’s that. Then the famous Hal reader of cards came in to the shop yesterday and I instantly demanded a reading. I’d really like it if someone else could just go ahead and explain my life to me. Let me get back to lol cats and Humans of New York.
Most importantly The Cards:
My main life card. (I’m basically Miss Cleo) was a fist out of clouds holding onto a staff. It represents my ability to take control of my life. To make decisions for myself. Dictate how it will be.
There was an emperor card that I think was my influences or lesson card? I really should have been taking notes. That was basically that I was under some sort of emotional suppression. My life has been historically beyond my control.
My future influences card was about finding new systems of thoughts and beliefs to explore and live in. Thus, letting go of old ideas, notions and expectations.
My past life card was basically doom and gloom. A struggle, dark, cold, busy, brick walls. You don’t say.
The row boat card meant that I was supposed to grow and change internally and not physically run away or relocate.
My work card in combo with the power fist means that I’m supposed to look beyond diligent repetitive work to find something fulfilling and creative.
There was also a lot of talk about becoming centered enough to actually act on my ideas.
The juggling card was about finding a way to let go of my obligations to others to focus internally on what was important to myself.
The daggers in my heart was uside down. Meaning that once I manage to do a lot of self healing that the universe and gravity will work with me to fill the gaps, make the hardship dissolve. That card was my near future card. Go for it gravity.
My big finally was the knight in shinning armor card was upside down. Meaning that I have to save myself. Be self-reliant. Depend on no one but my self. Find the magic solution inside of my own soul.
Apparently that was a wild card so he drew another that was Ev and I living in a beautiful future in harmony and flowers.
That was cute spin on dying alone. Granted he did say that he likes to put a positive spin on things. Which was probably good. I don’t know if I could have actually handled some lady telling me to stop doing everything that I was doing and run far far away and never look back. Though, that advice was pretty fucking spot on and well worth the $7.99.
There ya have it. Indisputable science.
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