Breaking news guys, the solution that all of us have been searching for! Have you been struggling to shed that last 5 to 10 pounds? Tried every fad diet in the book and nothing seems to work.
Worry no more. Following is a step by step fool proof guide to lose all of that pesky poundage with out doing a single exercise or giving up carbs:
1- Aquire a Taco Cabana breakfast taco (yes it just takes one). If there are no Taco Cabana’s in your area you can substitute any Taco Bell, Taco Johns or McDonalds breakfast egg product just be sure to leave it setting around for a few days or rub it on the bottom of your shoe. My preferable mode of acquisition is wait for some total stranger to deliver them to my office and offer them to the masses for free. That’s the beauty of the pharmaceutical industry folks.)
2- Now that you have said taco, refrain from asking any pertinent questions like: Are these fresh? Did you get them today or have they been sitting in your hot car for an extended period of time? Did the Taco Cabana staff look hygienic today? Did you piss them off in any way that may have made them sabotage this food?
3- Eat the taco, but first take the moral high ground and take off the bacon. Well, because you are a newly former vegan and it’d be really hypocritical to shove the worst of the worst processed meat product down your esophagus.
4- Now you can enjoy the little unsuspecting taco. Make sure to put a lot of red chile on it that makes everything taste better and dismiss the memory of the massive E. coli out break from New Mexico chili that happened just last year. Not you, not today.
5- Eat the whole damn thing despite it not tasting so great, after all there is no bacon, so it’s basically a health food. And health food isn’t always supposed to be delicious.
6- Wait 3.5 hours. Make sure to ask all of your co-workers during this period of time if they feel sick from those tacos. Try to brush off all of the comments like, “Ehhh no, I started to eat one but it didn’t taste right”.
7- Here’s the part where you loose 5 lbs in 3 hours. I can liken it to the after effects of drinking a whole bottle of this laxative ambrosia.
For added weight loss just go ahead and sit on the toilet with your head in the trash can, it’s much more efficient to ‘metabolize’ your weight out of both ends.
If for any reason you get tired of jumping up from a reclined position out of fear that this will be the time that you actually shit yourself, then try lying on a trash bag in the bathroom. Are you stuck in a public bathroom, don’t fret , everything exploding out of you is basically water after a few hours, no one will have any idea that you’re not just peeing really hard.
As long as you don’t die from dehydration.
*Warning* Facilitating your own death by forgoing any further liquids in hopes that the endless sea of barf and liquified shit will dry up is not advised.
*Please consult your physician before trying any new diet or exercise routine*
Well except that your face is significantly more distressed and haggard looking.