I’m dating an adult

domestication, Love, science says

I’m in a *realisticship  with an adult  *(autocorrect that couldn’t be more poignant). Yeah, yeah I’m an adult and so are you. But J is like really an adult when it comes to his emotions and it sucks a little.

In the past 5 days I have watched (I promise not in a creepy way) two people transform from mostly strangers to madly in love. In 5 flipping days. I have written before about how if I were a man or a lesbian that I would be swimming in a sea of ladies because simply: I know what women want. Let’s explore shall we.

In psychology of human sexuality (probably my most interesting and enlightening college course to date) we learned about satisfaction in relationships based on gender. Based on real evidence found in academic textbooks that I’m too lazy to dig out and cite and a completely AMAZEBALLS book The Evolution of Desire lesbians are the happiest together in terms of matched long term relationship goals, matched libido,  monogamy and communication.

Yes, we can all debate gender norms. Yes, I would like it if we lived in a world where everyone felt no pressure to conform to a prescribed identity. However, for the sake of science lets all lay down our arms and accept that for the vast majority of the population we fit a physiological biochemistry that express its self in predictable male and female patterns.

Here’s some fun research that all comes from the final chapter of The Evolution of Desire. All of it has footnotes that I’m really too lazy at this juncture to look up and report. So, you’ll have to trust my note taking abilities or don’t. If you’re interested in my academic writing sans profanity and blatant not giving any fucks then go here. Otherwise check this improperly cited information out from an evolutionary and biological explanation for human sexual strategy:

-Hypothesis: Same sex relationships are the expression of male and female preferences. 

-Given that: Gay men are more likely to engage in extra pair coupling, are more likely to have casual sex, are more sexually precarious. Verses lesbians who often confine to fewer sexual partners and have longer more committed relationships.
(That is not to say that the typical male sexual prowess gay or straight does not dramatically change with age, read testosterone changes, because it does becoming more monogamous and less sexually driven).

This working theory claims that being in a same sex relationship is either a hyper masculine or a hyper feminine relationship style.

The more controversial aspect of this is that having both partners matched with the same ideals for a relationship makes lesbians the real winners in the battle for deep meaningful monogamous seriously invested relationships. And yes I am about a hairs width away from signing up (I’m a little sorry if that offends you but let me explain how being bi woman or lesbian is a choice more so than being a gay man).  This same book presents super interesting research into how males sexual orientation is predominantly static over time and female’s are much more fluid. Straight women are sexually aroused much more equally by provocative imagery of the same and opposing sex than straight men are. In suite we are more likely to be ‘bisexual’ than men are who tend to choose either straight or gay more exclusively.

So, here I am essentially a cultural anthropologist and scholar in evolutionary sexual theory reaffirming said research in the wild… ok so it’s the mostly mundane world of interoffice relationships.

-Field notes: 

Young female enters work place.

Assumes vivacious flirting behavior towards all females regardless of previous or current sexual orientation.

Probably all kinds of interactions took place not visible to researchers vantage point with one other female specifically.

Lunch was bought, candy delivered. We can assume pleasentries were exchanged.

[(My) Real Life: I developed a level 10 crush on a guy in highschool because he reached out and brushed some hair out of my eyes, that’s all it took. We homo sapiens are hard wired to leap into lust and attraction.]

Bam. My electronic resources inform me of #gaygirlinlove #mygirlfriendishotterthanyours.

They went from zero to dinner with both sets of parents, mind you one of them was ‘straight’ last week, in 5 days or less.

Have straight people done equally as hopelessly romantic things– of course. Is that the norm– I argue no.

Let’s give an example that is near and dear to my heart. I met the man of my dreams two years ago (time flies) at my work place in the next cubicle over. I thought he was a total babe. He thought I was 12 (I swear that I’m of consenting age). He leaned over my desk to enter a password or some shit, mostly he leaned right across me. At some point that summer at work by boob just jumped out of my dress and he sweetly told me to put my ish away. We laughed and talked about everything, seriously everything, not sure that I needed to hear your old funny hooker stories from back when you lived in D.C. when my impressionable mind was still trying to make up and down of you, but I did. With in two months I had this sensation that he was someone that I was supposed to know. I didn’t know what that was going to look like but I knew that I needed to keep my thumb on him. Mean while he had no sensations what so ever, maybe I’m exaggerating, but I feel like he plays up liking me in the beginning to make me feel better now.

And so it was. Well it was on Facebook. I liked the pictures of him and his then girlfriend wholeheartedly, I was so happy that he had found happiness. I sent him messages once every blue moon to check in on him. Then he contacted me, over 9 months after meeting this dude. For you mathematicians that is exactly 268 days longer than the adorable lesbian couple at my work took to express their resonating like/love/feels for each other.  To be clear it took me at least 268 days to get this man to say hey girl I might like you in a slightly non-platonic way but let me be very vague about all of it as to not get your hopes up at all, because it’s probably nothing. 

Da fuck.

In all seriousness this is the best case scenario, for any man that you don’t pick up in the back of a shared cab home from a nearly black out night of drinking. Plus, I’m a fucking catch if I do say so myself. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL, but for real. That’s why I advise all 16 year old girls to go ahead and get that creepy promise ring, lock that shit down. There is a small window in your life where the boys are a knocking (pounding down your door) and most of them are emotionally stunted and immature beyond measure. If you find a descent one snatch that shiz up.

It doesn’t get easier but it does get better.


Us laying in bed together then…… in high def


And now….. still in high def πŸ™‚

How do I explain this. Keep in mind that we are talking about the man that I wrote this about: Surprise I’m Getting Married and Having a Baby!  about. In the beginning of our  mostly cyber relationship, I’m sure I’ve explained that before. If not then in a nut shell we lived 3 states away and skyped as our primary form of interaction. Yes, we fell in love over Skype. That’s some You’ve Got Mail est. 2014 screen play gold for any of your aspiring writers, you’re welcome. In the beginning, read multiple weeks into exclusively conducting ourselves as friends with absolutely no mention of any thing relationship bound he sent me this one very vulnerable, emotionally monumental email. Basically saying that he wanted to cut the shit and say that he liked me. It was a fucking milestone. In all seriousness I absolutely treasure all of the things that he USED ahhhem write me because they are total magic. But it took logging hundreds of hours of talking to this man about the weather and politics before he would let the I L-I-K-E you cat out of the bag. 

My point is that, that I LIKE YOU breakthrough was a year into knowing the love of my life, my soul mate. Was it worth waiting for— yes. Had he been a woman would it have came out in the first few days or weeks of knowing each other I’d like to think so.

Which is why yesterday I gave J one of my signature only half kidding ad lib joke lectures about how he seriously needs to step up his romance game on account of me eye witnessing of these two ladies lapping up the joy of each other daily. Is it new and exciting in the beginning for everyone regardless of sexual orientation? Of course. Can you move major pragmatic hurdles between two people embarking on a course of love together in that short amount of time with a man? I’ve yet to see it, this ‘aint my first rodeo and I’m easy to (fall in) love (with). Granted, man, you have earned your stripes keeping me around.

Maybe I should have entitled this I’m dating an adult MAN. It’s bittersweet. And yes my love, you are very nice to me, you do all kinds of nice things for me and I love you with every fiber of my being. But, you could be significantly more enthused and bring me those yummy toxic sour sugary candies every now and again. It couldn’t hurt.



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