Advisory: If any of these products are in your possession, RUN
My dearest family and friends,
I come to you today with a heavy heart. But I feel that I owe a public apology to my friends, family and community. Tonight, I had a life changing experience. As my girlfriend and I were enjoying a quiet Sunday evening, we were both overcome with the most egregious, intense funk that I have ever had the unfortunate displeasure to experience. It smelled like a mixture of old man, dead fish, vinegar and bath salts to which my girlfriend exclaimed “ I know that funky smell!”
We raced through the house trying to find whatever demonic possession had taken hold in our happy home when I noticed a peculiar green slim dripping down the bathroom sink. Upon further review, it became clear that Beelzebub had not in fact began his 1000 year reign of terror on earth in our bathroom but instead my bottle of Brut had tipped over and had been slowing leaking for hours.
Although on the positive side, the colors I’ve been seeing for hours are pretty amazing and I now longer have to use my nose hair trimmer because the hairs have been permanently singed away I must confess that I had no idea what I was putting all of you through.
Do you have any idea how much good aftershave costs? I could have bought a house for cash with all the money I’ve spent over the last twenty years on colognes and after shaves. So when I saw the Walgreen’s special for 4.99 I thought I had finally overcome (halleyooyer!).
But I have seen the light. No human being, animal or earthy spirit (and I do believe this funk crossed dimensions) should have to smell that smell. So I humbly apologize to all of you.
In case there are other men out there who have followed down the same dark path, I beseech you, stop now. If not for yourself, for your loved ones and for your community. I’m pretty sure that the ingredients in Brut violate some environmental and/or humanitarian laws. I will be following up with the EPA and the UN in due course.
If any of you wish to help me banish this scurge from the depths of hell, I am starting a fundraising kickstarter to build awareness. You can find our webpage (when it’s up and running) at http://www.geeeyoooooddaaayuumthatstinks.wtf.com/pleasejesushelpus.
Thank you for your support.
-Julius Williams, Jr.