16 things your barista wishes you knew

silly goose, your body

* I hope you enjoy all of the the super cute coffee pictures that I stole from the inter web*

1) Splenda, Equal, Sweet & Low and all of the other chemical shit that you put in your coffee is actually making you fatter and probably giving you cancer. PLUS, when I add it for you I’m inhaling cancer dust. I don’t get any work place hazard pay nor do I have company insurance. Eat the real sugar you nit wit.

2) HEAVY CREAM. Do you realize what this is. Liquid butter. And we’re not talking about hey you cross fit super stud guy going to burn a billion calories at the gym later. You know who you are because of your ridiculous LDL levels and hypertension. It’s not the same as adding milk.

3) It’s cool if you don’t tip as long as your’e pleasant. UNLESS your change is 1 penny. If I give you back one penny every day and every day you put it in your pocket then you are an asshole.

4)So yeah you’re an asshole. The vast majority of the faces that I see every day belong to wonderful people or at least people that are nice enough to people in the service industry. But, if you’re having a bad day. Or if it makes you feel extra cool to be rude then don’t worry we aren’t actually spitting in your drink. I’ve worked in many a shady food establishment and never once have I seen anyone do anything disgusting to your food to be malicious.

5) Ordering two large extra dry cappuccinos back to back, especially when it’s busy is a super dick move. And no one likes you. I realize that you don’t know this, but now ya do.

6) We’re not mad at you because you used the drive thru unless when you get to the window you start complaining profusely about the major inconvenience. YOU CHOSE TO SIT IN THAT LINE. You could have just as easily parked your car and walked into the building where there was no line. It’s not actually that much sweat off your ass (unless you have a legitimate reasons like a disability or small children, in which case sorry modern conveniences aren’t always that convenient).

frap

7) A frapachino is not a health food drink, yes there is ice in it, but that does not mean that it is “mostly water”.  There is also all kinds of sugar goo, cream, milk, flavor and whipped cream. No one cares that you are consuming a 2,000 calorie slushy just own it yo.

8) We didn’t actually sell your favorite pastry right before you got there out of spite. It’s first come first serve. Plus you’ll probably survive one day with out a cinnamon twist.

9) Speaking of the sacred cinnamon confection. A cinnamon twist and a cinnamon roll are essentially the same thing. Do not get your panties in a twist because we have one and not the other.

10) Pro-tip. Every single pastry is way more delicious if it’s warmed up and comes with a side of butter. I mean if you’re gonna eat it in the first place you mine as well enjoy it.

tea

11) A “Chai tea” (unless you are specifically ordering something fancy) is not a tea. There may be remnants of what was formerly known as tea in the sugar concoction. It comes from a bottle, it’s sticky, it taste delicious but it is not tea. (At my beautiful coffee oasis there is an amazing selection of more authentic chai teas as well as a wonderful array of organic delicious real teas, made of tea leaves in a bag, steeped in water).

12) If you’re coffee order looks anything like this:
Large, 6 shot, 1/3 soy milk, 1/3 rice milk, 1/3 almond milk, mexican mocha, extra hot with extra whipped cream  (I didn’t make that up actually).
You better have one hell of a brilliant personality and tip royally. Here’s the thing we make crazy needy drinks all day. In fact we probably have your crazy needy drink memorized. We’re not that mad about it unless you’re a jerk about it.

13) A cappuccino is foam. If you want a wet cappuccino that’s cool just ask. If you want it dry again fine. But if you order it normally and then get mad that it’s all foam well then sorry. Let me clear this up for you:
Latte: espresso shots, steamed milk not particularly foamy unless you specify.
Cappuccino: espresso shots, a little milk, foam.
Don’t order a cappuccino because you think you sound international and somehow more cool and then get mad because you actually wanted a latte. We have heard every single question in the book, there are no dumb questions, ask before you make us make you multiple drinks.

14) Did ya know that you can bring in your own cup? Here’s why it’s cool. 1- you’ll probably get a discount. 2- you’ll look really smart because you are boss enough to remember said cup. 3- you’ll look extra trendy because you are a compassionate human on a one man crusade to save mother earth one reusable mug at a time.

15) That caramel macchiato is going to give you diabetes. Let me tell you about it. Vanilla syrup, milk, espresso, carmel. If you want whipped cream on top of it and extra sweetener, well damn. Please proceed with caution and maybe wash it down with a hunk of protein.
Also, my favorite thing is listening to everyone pronounce macchiato. You should mess it up wildly on purpose for the sake of entertainment.

16) Starbucks conversion chart:

tall —– small ? Ok that rhymes we’ve got it.
grande—– medium. Grande like medium. Yeah that doesn’t work for me.
venti— as in 20. 20 ounces. Large. Deal.

I don’t understand why everyone is laying down and taking the Starbucks brain washing. It’s small, medium and large. Period. I encourage everyone to stick it to the man just a little every day and refuse to call it by some faux Italian fancy corporate terminology for things that have perfectly good ‘merican words. 🙂
I’m only semi-kidding. I don’t know the Starbucks sizes because I like to support local coffee, don’t act offended or try to argue with me about what a tall is. None of it makes sense and I’m not going to succumb to your ways.

On a personal note please consider where you are spending your coffee dollars. I hesitate to remind you about the enormous amount of your paycheck that buys you sugar and caffeine every day (because I’ve got bills to pay) but you are. We all know that we should shop local which isn’t easy to do. But it is easy to spend you coffee dollas in a good place. Feed your neighbor and yourself. Win win.

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2 thoughts on “16 things your barista wishes you knew

  1. Bahahaha so much truth. While I do work at Starbucks (and adore my job) I’m all about calling the sizes what they are…and if someone says small I know exactly what they mean.

    Like

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