It’s been a while since I’ve been round these parts. There’s been no shortage of things to write about, it’s just that I’ve most dissociated from my body and I drool a lot from exhaustion these days. Super hot, I swear.
I’ve been doing all of the soul searching, all of the processes of elimination, full blown psychiatric self-evaluations… weird, insurance won’t cover it… and honestly I don’t know what the deal is. My energy is decidedly fucked. Is it chronic lack of sleep? Probs. Am I going to catch up on it anytime soon? Probs not. Is it a series of vitamin deficiencies or poisons from eating like a scavenger for the past six months? Likely. Is it too much fucking transition for any human in too short a period of time, vicarious trauma, lack of enthusiasm for my life decisions, the energetic vampiring of a suddenly incredibly needy nine year old, cramming in way too much therapy before I graduate?? All of that too. I’m working on it kind of, mostly I’m just riding the mo fo wave half asleep and entirely undermedicated for the next five weeks, at which point I’ll probably collapse and need some kind of psychiatric intervention, hope you all send me to one of those nice inpatient facilities on the beach, it’s never too soon for the gofundme page.
So yeah, I’ve put heaps of shit on the back burner including writing and creating, just the things that sustain me, good plan Reg.
Long story short, I dare not let a year go by without a birthday update. And I’m super salty and honestly kind of devastated right now so I’m thinking a gratitude post to get me out of my tunnel vision.
Something that went well each month of me being 30.
September: My baby had just come home from what seemed to be fooorrreevvveerrr (in my best Sandlot voice) last summer and we were elated and in love. I had a solid few weeks before school started back up so we totally indulged in gooey mama daughter everything. Also, endured a massive your kid was abducted on the way home from school scare so I was super jazzed about all of the parenting stuff that usually is uberannoying like cooking, cleaning, bill paying, butt washing, ya catch my drift.
October: I met a super cute guy that I had mostly good chemistry with. He said things like when we finish grad school, how cute our babies will be, and where do you want to live we can move any where. Honestly, I can’t even think of this dude’s name off of the top of my head, and things quickly unraveled, no harm, no foul. But what did happen was that I awoke from the trance of Reagon was going to be happily single forever. The carrot of family made a brief appearance and I was hooked.
November: I remember November distinctly because I was at a birthday party the whole time. Allllll of my people are born in or around that month and it’s wildly exhausting yet super amazing to bake, and dance, and soak, and bask in the glow of celebrating all of my favorite lives.
December: Ohhh this is where I accidentally fell in love with a raging narcissist and it was in the early stages of everything being cotton candy dipped in heroin. We went on a magical trip to NYC and had so much fun and so little sleep. By Christmas day everything was crumbling but those first 24 days were golden.
January: This is when the hustle got real real. It’s also when I started my Women’s Resiliency group and it was my therapeutic play ground, absolutely soul crushing, and wholly inspiring all at once. I could run a marathon fulled on girl power (like actual heroing tales of thriving through horrific trauma and homelessness girl power). Shout out to everyone of my now former clients.
February: I distinctly remember being a full blown wreck this month. But the silver lining was a mile thick. Not only did I find clarity and reconnect with my self-worth but I leaned on my best friends near and far who held me entirely together.
March: Just the best month, not only did I finish my academic portion of graduate school but I also met the love of my life.
April: Pretty much the next four months are a whole lot of me being deliriously in love with the most beautiful man. I started my internship this month, undulating between terrified and overwhelmed with a dash of is it too soon to count down the next six months? But they started, and soon they will end. Yay!
May: People totally showed up for me this month. It was the first month of all kinds of housing transition. I got two new roommates this month and they were sweet as pie to Ev and I.
June: I moved in with Dani. I realized for the first time in over a year that actually living alone isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, and it’s good to have someone there who can will let your dog out and have a beer with you after a wild day. So much shared knowing between us, forever grateful for our two months together. Also in this month I rode in a helicopter, and went to the Grand Canyon for the first time, NBD.
July: I got to introduce said unicorn man to my family and see my baby for the first time in six weeks. Plus, I played super hard this month, hiking all of the things, kayaking, swimming, road-trips, dancing. And I slept in, watched netflix and generally did what I wanted. One full blown kid free month was magical.
August: Massive leaps of faith. The return of my sweet baby. Figuring out how it is to be her mother again for this round of who she needs and a sliver or two of what she wants. I’ve been doing this month with far too little grace but with a heap of support from my people, and I made it, despite all of my doubts. Still here.
Finally, I leave 30 a little bruised, a lot tired and with a ton of appreciation for my health, my perseverance and my community. Huzzah or something.
Well that was a rallying pep talk.